becoming a Real Person in the future, and other things
happy holidays! christmas day is an easy day for me, since my family tends to do our celebration on christmas eve. we're out of town for christmas this year and held the gift exchange in my and my sister's hotel room before engaging in karaoke using my portable karaoke machine + youtube. our room is in the corner of the top floor of this small hotel, so we didn't get any noise complaints! (we also weren't very loud.)
i got a lot of lovely gifts from my family – things on my wishlist and even things they just thought to buy for me! i started the wishlist spreadsheet a couple of years ago because it was hard to think of things to get them, but i wonder now if i'm the only one who struggles with that. i really liked the surprise extra gifts they got! i also got my dad something that wasn't on his list (a daily NYT mini crossword thing) and it was exciting to see how much he liked it when he saw it. maybe it's time to return to thinking up gifts on my own!?
the spreadsheet is a good fallback, but next year i'd like to step my gift game up, which means i need to step my thoughtfulness up... as early as now i'd like to keep a list of things my family members expresses need/want of something and buy them as soon as i see them so i'm not scrambling by christmas.
in which i ponder becoming a real person (adult)
this holiday trip marks the end of a pretty eventful past month! i saw friends for 1:1 hangs, spent a day with my old coworkers, attended a wedding, helped organize a baby shower, and finally finally am done with the most exhausting part of my studies. i feel like i haven't had a weekend to myself in a while. it's been an enjoyable sort of busy – one that helps me feel more like a "real person", in a good way – but also has made it tough for me to enjoy my alone-time activities of (checks notes) drawing, writing, brainstorming, and generally being insane about fictional ducks.
this has unexpectedly brought up... complex feelings. (they're not NEW feelings, as this is that comes up every now and then, but i never know what will trigger it, lol.)
i think "running out of things to be crazy about" or "not having the energy or time to wild out online" is a very real fear of mine... these two things – investment in fictional worlds, and connections with like-minded people online – are very intertwined in my mind, and it's hard for one to exist without the other. i fear losing one, because to me it means i eventually lose the other.
weirdly, this fear is at odds with my fantasies of my future, which are always some platonic ideal of a mother or a career woman or put-together Adult™. i don't imagine myself carrying a little keychain of my blorbo of the week, writing giant posts about my oc/canon lore, or telling my family about my online friends who do not know my real name, even though those are things that i do now + have done variations of for most of my life.
my subconscious expects those parts of me to fade into the background of a totally present irl life, where family, career, and other In Person Matters are my main concerns. it assumes that fandom or an inner world is something i'll have to totally relinquish when i become an ADULT adult – especially one who is responsible for other humans, or who generally must be closer to 100% present irl (vs. the half-online-or-thinking-about-blorbos way i currently operate).
giving up on my fictional interests / online life would probably make this imagined version of me easier to achieve, but it feels like burying this HUGE part of who i've been up to this point and that makes me sad to think about. i'd like to not see these things as mutually exclusive, but am not sure how.
there's probably some truth to my projections of the future – the idea that my investment in my different worlds will change somehow – and it might only be scary now because i can't at all picture what that's like as the person i am now. i'm prematurely mourning what i imagine will feel like a major loss, but it'll probably be easier to accept as i get older and also change alongside my interests.
honestly it'll probably be more gradual and nuanced than i project it to be. i'm not gonna wake up one morning and suddenly never again find joy in the weird things i love now, just like i didn't wake up one morning and feel nothing for an old obsession. if my previous experiences are anything to go off of: sure, my excitement over a specific thing won't last forever, but it'll last long enough to turn into a good memory once i naturally find a new thing to be excited about.
also: i don't know anyone in real life who is as obsessive as i am who also happens to lead a life i'd like to live, but i'm sure there have been many others who've found a way to be Weird and Obsessive and Online in a way that still feels satisfying – that still feels like them – while also being a parent / high-achieving person / whole adult they're proud to have become. i joined the OTW a couple of months ago, and it makes me happy to see how many volunteers are exactly the kind of person i'd like to be: able to balance their "real" lives with their fandom/online ones. that gives me hope!!!
i don't know. maybe the me 5+ years from now won't be so married to the idea of being a Weird Obsessive Online Guy, in the way the me of today is no longer married to the identity/aesthetic/etc i was so committed to in college. maybe she sleeps early and has a contact at the bank who she is regularly in touch with about investments etc. that version of me – a stranger who i both fear and hope i'll be – would find it silly that i spent so much time worrying about no longer being obsessed with ducktales (2017), but maybe still nostalgic for the version of herself who wrote this post.
BUT before i was a 26-year-old duck triplets enjoyer, i was once a 6-year-old duck triplets enjoyer, so it's just as likely that i won't change all that much LOL. maybe older!me sleeps early and has a contact at the bank, but also spends her early mornings commuting to the bank thinking about the ninja turtles. either way, i should probably just not worry so much????? future me will be fine no matter what.
on online friends
i think i've been thinking about this also because i've felt a surge of affection for my online friends lately, spurred by my home on the fediverse (aethy) announcing its closure last month. as of writing they've managed to find a new owner for the instance, so it's no longer closing after all, but for 2ish weeks it was chaotic in my little fedi neighborhood.
aethy / my corner of fedi has always been more deviant? precarious? than most of my previous internet haunts though, and so even before the closure announcement, i understood it if people were:
- less likely to share about themselves
- less likely to try and make friends
- less invested in the friendships they did make.
but i, a SENTIMENTAL BITCH who DID get invested in the people who shared whatever they were comfortable with sharing on there, was distraught at the idea of no longer being in touch w/ the people i got to know on Pervert Mastodon!!!
anyway, although the closure was chaotic and brought about drama i only observed from the sidelines, i enjoyed commiserating/discussing with friends and neighbors on what to do, where to move, etc. it was nice to see that people also wanted to stay in touch on mastodon and even outside of mastodon, and it felt reassuring that i wasn't the only one who had a normal amount of fondness for gay people in my phone.
i generally like keeping in touch with online friends and have had good experiences thus far. a handful of my fandom friendships have made the transition into personal friendships, where we can mail each other stuff and follow each other on our personal instagrams with our real names on them. i've even met quite a few online friends in person while traveling! i don't correspond with everyone all the time (i don't do this with anyone in general...) but it's just nice to get that little peek into their lives or chat/exchange emails every now and then.
all of this is to say that i feel like my life is better for having met other Internet People in Niche Spaces, which is something i've only been able to do also being an Internet Person into Niche Things, WHICH IS WHY i don't want this part of my life to fall away as i get older!! but anyway, i am attempting to Not freak out about things that won't necessarily happen........
one's physical form
the new year is coming up. i've yet to write my birthday letter to myself (been putting it off since july...) and also need to get some schoolwork done during the break, but beyond that i think the coming month is going to be a lot lighter than the past quarter.
i wrote about this in my "now" page, but i hope i can use this slower period to develop better habits for myself... i don't want to stop being weird and insane, but this year i Really began internalizing the importance of (beleaguered sigh) taking care of one's corporeal form... 🚬
most of my hobbies over the course of my life been Brainy (i don't know how else to describe this), and i don't think i realized until this year that never having a physical hobby has caused major disconnect between me and my body. i just feel like a brain on legs (i talked about this a little here) and while i've taken steps towards being nicer to the thing that supports my brain, it still feels like a chore that i drop the ball on periodically, even after getting into weightlifting.
it's hard to establish that connection when it's been nonexistent most of my life. i've had physical outlets, of course, but those were always chores too! or things that i thought of as, like, "ah yes, i'm now able to tick the box for physical activity on the list of things i need to be the kind of person i want to be", and not things i return to naturally like i do with drawing.
(i'm sure all these sections of this diary entry are linked in some way, contributing to a larger thesis about my way of being that i can't put into words yet, but i won't think about that...)
so far, weightlifting doesn't feel as much like a box-ticking activity as my previous physical endeavors have felt. i hope my enjoyment of it continues to push me to make small changes, even begrudgingly!!!!!!!! and maybe one day looking after my body will be second nature!!!!! a girl can dream!!!!!!!
well anyway
this was long. i've been having a good time honestly, despite all of the above handwringing LMAO. it's just always good to get out the thoughts in my head instead of letting them fester until they become anxieties.
some good things coming up:
- i have a tokyo trip lined up with my sister. we're hitting up disneyland and seeing some friends. i hope the duck triplets merch isn't sold out by the time we get there! i just want one shirt!!!
- new family member soon... i can't believe i'm about to meet someone i'll know and love for the rest of my life!
- i've got a weblisting/clique for my friends who have personal websites in the works. i wanted to make this because it feels to me like a little virtual friendship bracelet, and i just like having matching things with my friends. it should launch in january, but it depends on how soon everyone is ready! i'm excited.
- slowly making progress on the little huey zine i'm making... i just want to make more silly, self-indulgent things.
thanks for reading if you got this far. talk to you again soon! merry christmas.